I Don’t Think You’re Ready for this Jelly

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By Bill Maher

You know what species is doing great? Jellyfish. The seas are heating up – which turns out to be great for jellyfish. And we’ve killed all the other fish that used to eat the same things jellyfish eat. They’re not competing for food, so the jellyfish population is exploding. 580 million years of “eww gross…” and now their time has come. Thanks to man-made climate change, the future’s a great place, if you’re a spineless gob of goo. Tagg Romney 2016!

So think about that, the next time Mitch McConnell talks about saddling our grandchildren with debt. They’re not going to be worried about that. They’re going to be fighting the jellyfish.

The Chill Pill

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By Bill Maher

Most of these “invincibles” who need to sign up for Obamacare to succeed are young men. Everybody keeps saying there’s not as much in it for them as there is for young women, but what about “the pill” being free? Shouldn’t this also be a big selling point for guys in their twenties and thirties? I mean, c’mon, haven’t most of them experienced the sheer dread of a girlfriend being late? I’ll never forget those days, because they felt like years.

The new recruitment slogan should be, “What, me worry?” 

Blind S.P.O.T.

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Eleven years ago, I wrote a book called, When You Ride ALONE, You Ride with bin Laden: What the Government SHOULD Be Telling Us to Help Fight the War on Terrorism. I don’t wanna brag, but it was kind of the 50 Shades of Grey of its time. Anyway, in that book, I suggested that we adopt a “Secret Service for the people”: trained behavioral experts like the Israelis have, to scan the crowds at airports and single out those who are behaving suspiciously for further screening. It was a radical suggestion for its time – that maybe we should ask the twitchy guy with the sweaty brow and no luggage a few additional questions.

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Dead Zeppelin

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This may look like a blimp, but it’s not. It’s the US Army’s Long Endurance Multi-Intelligence Vehicle. It’s not just a blimp. It’s a seven-story, football-field-length, bullet-proof blimp made of Kevlar. Get a good look, because you paid $297 million for it, and it flew exactly once, for 90 minutes, and then we sold itback to one of the companies that built it for $301,000.

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The Chill Pill

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By Bill Maher

Most of these “invincibles” who need to sign up for Obamacare to succeed are young men. Everybody keeps saying there’s not as much in it for them as there is for young women, but what about “the pill” being free? Shouldn’t this also be a big selling point for guys in their twenties and thirties? I mean, c’mon, haven’t most of them experienced the sheer dread of a girlfriend being late? I’ll never forget those days, because they felt like years.

The new recruitment slogan should be, “What, me worry?” 

The Notorious B.A.G.

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By Bill Maher

Despite all his victories, Eric Holder can’t win. Republicans hate him, Democrats are suspicious of him, and his lack of warmth and a clear public persona means the media largely ignores him.

But that man is getting shit done. He is kicking ass and collecting bills. He is the Notorious B.A.G. (Black Attorney General).

Just this month, Johnson & Johnson agreed to pay the government $2.2 billion for fraudulent drug marketing practices. Also this month, hedge fund SAC Capital gave in to federal prosecutors, pled guilty on every single count of an insider trading indictment and agreed to cough up $1.8 billion. And, last week, JP Morgan Chase finally agreed to pay $13 billion for their role in the 2008 meltdown while still not wriggling free of criminal charges.

Chasing down the white-collar criminals everyone says they want brought to justice? Making them pay tens of billions of dollars back to the people? That’s gotta be worth just a little love, right?

The New Wimps

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The Tea Party Leadership Fund PAC may be the first group to lead a campaign to weed out the “RINOs,” but they won’t be the last. In their new “Primaries for Traitors” effort, the TPLF is raising money to remove 87 Republican House members from office, “Starting with House Speaker John Boehner.” Let’s be fair – John Boehner is not a RINO. A wino, certainly, but not a RINO.
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The For-Profit NSA

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They have a record of every communication you’ve sent. They track you constantly via the phone in your pocket, and use that information however they please. They have sophisticated satellite imagery coupled with on-the-ground intel that enables them to do sophisticated 3D renderings of your home and your street at an extraordinary level of detail. They are building massive data farms so that these mountains of info can be stored indefinitely.
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