New Rules: January 24, 2014

New Rule: [slide of two toilets with trash can between] If the Russians are so freaked out about gays, they have to explain why the bathrooms at their Olympics look like this. Is this a mistake or is the architect George Michael?

And I thought things were awkward in those two-man bobsleds.

New Rule: The Italian nun who claimed she didn’t even know she was pregnant before she had a baby boy this week…has to give us a little more credit than that. You think Catholics are that stupid? Why not just tell us you’re a virgin?

New Rule: [slide of chubby Haley Joel Osment] Haley Joel Osment has to admit that, in addition to seeing dead people, he also sees cake.

New Rule: The Central African Republic, right after they finish fighting their civil war, must come up with a better name for their country. It’s like if we named Kansas “Central Flat State.”

Also, “Mad Dog,” a Christian rioter who “ate” a Muslim cabdriver in the Central African Republic this week, has to blame himself the next time he can’t get a cab.

What kind of Christian eats a man’s body and blood? I mean, Jesus Christ, you’re worse than that nun! 

New Rule: [slides of DiCaprio movie posters] Now that Leonardo DiCaprio has played “The Wolf of Wall Street,” a super-rich asshole, and “The Great Gatsby,” a super-rich asshole…and Howard Hughes, [slide of poster of “The Aviator”] a super-rich asshole …he has to tell us, where do you get your ideas?

And when do you start work on “Bieber”? [slide of “Bieber” poster with DiCaprios face in Bieber’s most recent mug shot]

And finally, New Rule: Conservatives must be told that President Obama say he wouldn’t let any son of his play pro football, is not controversial. It’s common sense. Like telling your kids not to play in traffic.

But, on the right, any critique of our holy religion, football, is blasphemy, because real men don’t point out facts or consider consequences. And brain injuries are fun.

That’s what makes Terry Bradshaw such a character.

And a Sarah Palin interview so entertaining.

Now, last Sunday, apparently, there were some contests among the footballers, which I caught out of the corner of my eye, while I was baking for my “Downton Abbey” party. [laughter] And the…the brutality of the games prompted the president to draw attention to football’s violent culture.

And then came the backlash. The National Review said, “If the president thinks the NFL is too dangerous for his fictitious son, what about the military?” Right, because defending your country and kickoff returns are the same thing.

I don’t know where Republicans get this weird delusion that they’re the party of manliness. But, this is Rush Limbaugh’s bedroom. [slide of same]

Talent on loan from God. Furniture on loan from Liberace.

And, yet, somehow, conservatives, who boast by far the bigger list of non-serving chicken-hawks, see themselves as the tough guys. But, it’s rarely a real manliness. It’s more the pathetic bluster of a blogger in his bathrobe demanding that Obama man up and bomb Iran…while his mother fixes his macaroni and cheese.

None of this is going to get better until Democrats stop letting Republicans claim they’ve got the big balls just because!

For one, I never quite got how my life would be better with increased ball size. If you need to stick your balls in to get things going, you’re doing it wrong.

And, two, Democrats have to start being the party that redefines as restraint. And stop responding to Republican taunts that have goaded Michael Dukakis into a tank [slide of Dukakis], John Kerry into a duck-hunting outfit [Kerry slide] and Hillary Clinton into Iraq.

Because it’s not really masculinity conservatives love anyway. It’s bullying. Somehow we’ve gone from Teddy Roosevelt’s “speak softly and carry a big stick” to Chris Christie’s “speak loudly and be a big dick.”

Fox News’ manly he-man, Brit Hume said liberals don’t get Christie because he’s a – quote – “old fashion masculine muscular guy.” Or maybe four muscular guys in a garbage truck.

But, bullying isn’t a masculine virtue. Standing up to bullies is. Ignoring society’s least-able people is not masculine. Taking care of them is.

But, to macho people like Rush Limbaugh, who said Obama not letting his son play football was irresponsible, or Glenn Beck – another fountain of testosterone – who called on Obama to “stop being a chick” about football, this is what it always comes down to: Obama is a pussy like all Democrats are pussies.

It’s all part of their narrative that “we will keep you safe because we’re the real men who aren’t afraid to send your kids off to die in wars of choice.

And the Democrats are a bunch of nancy-boys who think of war as some sort of ‘last resort.’ They believe in engagement and…other pansy concessions that could lead to dialogue or, even worse, peace.

The former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates published his memoirs this month, and wrote that something that was seen to be absolutely devastating about Obama: that he wasn’t enthusiastic about our war in Afghanistan, and that for him it was all about getting out.

That’s bad? Gates said George Bush was a good president because he, quote, “had no second thoughts about Iraq.”

Right. Because, to have second thoughts, you first have to have first thoughts!